When the Preacher Man heard on Sunday that Roman Polanski had finally been arrested on a thirty-year-old warrant and was facing imminent extradition to the United States for sentencing on a conviction of ‘unlawful sex with a minor’ the Preacher Man, as any all-round know-it-all would have, shrugged.

He knew the little Frenchman had been on the run for thirty years and was sure that one day the long hand of the law would pluck him from his life of luxury in Paris and deliver him safely back into the loving arms of the US Justice system.

Here was a subject that took the Preacher Man far away from his normal preaching-grounds of film and film-makers and deep into a decades-old legal case (for those who need a summary: The child testified before a grand jury but expressed a preference not to go through the circus of a trial by jury so, in a plea-bargain negotiated between Polanski’s lawyers, the DA and the presiding judge, the director admitted to the lesser charge mentioned above before being sent for a psychiatric evaluation. After 42 days in jail, while awaiting sentencing, Polanski heard that the judge was set to bow to public opinion and renege on his promise of a light sentence so promptly quit LA and the United States forever!).

But then the Preacher Man got wind of a growing outrage among conspiracy theorists, senior members of the French government, and the international community of film-makers and cinéastes.

The conspiracy minded paranoiacs were first to come forward with many a zany theory such as the one that claimed the Oscar-winning director’s arrest was a political act designed to soothe US/Swiss relations following their banking system’s refusal to divulge details of secret accounts requested by the US Treasury (now breathe!); almost simultaneously at least two senior members of the French government (Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner and Culture Minister Fréderic Mitterrand) suggested that the arrest was both not very ‘nice’ (the former) and ‘didn’t make any sense’ (the latter).

Meanwhile, the Sociéte des Auteur et Compositeurs Dramatiques also known as the SACD (alternatively known as the most self-righteous yet morally vapid orgainisation ever to issue a demand) issued a statement demanding Polanski’s ‘immediate release’ which has now been signed by a who’s who of cinematic luminaries ranging from Woody Allen and Pedro Almodovar to Martin Scorsese and Wim Wenders.

This wave of outrage at Roman Polanski’s ‘unfair’ arrest has been both encouraged and disputed by various strands of the media, and while many of the conspiracy theories have already been either disproved or proved unlikely (eg. Swiss bank UBS AG has already been funnelling previously secret information to the US tax authorities for some time), and the crowd-pleasing politicos behind the stupidly bland and blindly ignorant statements as to the fugitive’s niceness and artistic merit have been widely dismissed as nitwits (the French government has just put out an official release stating that Mitterrand spoke without engaging his senses and that it considers Polanski neither above nor below due process of the legal negotiations now going on between Switzerland, the United States, France and Poland - of which Polanski also claims citizenship), that still leaves a troubling and rapidly growing list of film-makers and cinematic organisations who continue to demand the Swiss government expedite Polanski’s release.

The Preacher Man is a careful soul. He likes to read a contract carefully before signing it, He likes to understand an issue before speaking on it, and He will pedantically parse a petition before he puts his name to it.

It is in this spirit that he has closely examined the facile claptrap put out by the SACD and has a couple of simple questions to ask any or (given the opportunity) ALL of its signatories.

1)

In the preamble to your demand for Mr Polanski’s immediate release you state that the director "is a French citizen, a renown (sic) and international artist now facing extradition. This extradition, if it takes place, will be heavy in conseqeunces and will take away his freedom". Exactly what are you contesting with this?

a) That he didn’t admit to ‘unlawful sex with a minor’ and then jump bail before sentencing?

b) That convicted rapists (that’s what the crime makes him) shouldn’t face justice?

c) That renowned French citizens and international artists are somehow above the law?

2)

Do you really want to use Switzerland’s neutrality and the ‘extraterritorial nature of an international film festival’ as justification for giving moral and judicial amnesty to an elderly man who, when he was 44 years of age, lured a thirteen-year-old girl into his company and, according to her testimony before a Grand Jury that has never - to the best of the Preacher Man’s knowledge - been contested by either Polanski or his lawyers, filled her with champagne and quaaludes (a barbiturate-like seditive) before kissing her, performing oral sex on her and, despite her protestations, inserting his penis in her vagina and anus?

So Erika Abrams, Fatih Akin, Stephane Allagnon, Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Gianni Amelio, Wess Anderson, Roger Andrieux, Jean-Jacques Annaud, Alexandre Arcady, Fanny Ardant, Asia Argento, Darren Aronofsky, Olivier Assayas, Alexander Astruc, Gabriel Auer, Alexandre Babel, Jean-François Balmer, Luc Barnier, Christophe Barratier, Xavier Beauvois, Liria Begeja, Gilles Behat, Jean-Jacques Beineix, Marco Bellochio, Monica Bellucci, Véra Belmont, Djamel Bennecib, Alain Berliner, Pascal Berney, Giuseppe Bertolucci, Lucien Blacher, Catherine Boissière, Thierry Boscheron, Freddy Bossy, Patrick Bouchitey, Cédric Bouchoucha, Paul Boujenah, Katia Boutin, Jacques Bral, Patrick Braoudé, Guila Braoudé, Anne Burki, André Buytaers, Christian Carion, Henning Carlsen, Jean-michel Carre, Lionel Cassan, Mathieu Celary, Teco Celio, Christophe Champclaux, Patrice Chéreau, Brigitte Chesneau, Catherine Chouchan, Elie Chouraqui, Souleymane Cissé, Jean- Pierre Clech, Henri Codenie, Robert Cohen, Alain Corneau, Jérôme Cornuau, Guy Courtecuisse, Miguel Courtois, Morgan Crestel, Dominique Crevecoeur, Alfonso Cuaron, Frédéric Damien, Sophie Danon, Luc et Jean-Pierre Dardenne, Hervé de Luze, Benoît Delmas, Jonathan Demme, Dante Desarthe, Romain Desbiens, Thomas Desjonquères, Alexandre Desplat, Rosalinde et Michel Deville, Guillaume D'Ham, Christelle Didier, Kathrin DiPaola, Ariel Dorfman, Georges Dybman, Jacques Fansten, Joël Farges, Gianluca Farinelli, Etienne Faure, Michel Ferry, Jean Teddy Filippe, Martine Fitoussi, Scott Foundas, Stephen Frears, Thierry Frémaux, Sam Gabarski, René Gainville, Matteo Garone, Tony Gatlif, Catherine Gaudin-Montalto, Costa Gavras, Jean-Marc Ghanassia, Terry Gilliam, Christian Gion, Stéphane Gizard, Christophe Goumand, Marc Guidoni, Dimitri Haulet, Buck Henry, David Heyman, Laurent Heynemann, Dominique Hollier, Isabelle Hontebeyrie, Frédéric Horiszny, Robert Hossein, Jean-Loup Hubert, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Gilles Jacob, Just Jaeckin, Anne Jeandet, Alain Jessua, Arthur Joffé, Pierre Jolivet, Kent Jones, Paola Jullian, Roger Kahane, Nelly Kaplan, Wong Kar Waï, Ladislas Kijno, Richard Klebinder, Harmony Korinne, Jan Kounen, Diane Kurys, Emir Kusturica, Jean Labadie, John Landis, Claude Lanzmann, David Lanzmann, André Larquié, Françoise Lassale, Carole Laure, Christine Laurent-Blixen, Emilien Lazaron, Vinciane Lecocq, Patrice Leconte, Claude Lelouch, Gérard Lenne, Pierre et Renée Lhomme, Marceline Loridan-Ivens, David Lynch, Michael Mann, François Margolin, Jean-Pierre Marois, Tonie Marshall, Mario Martone, Christine Mathis, Nicolas Mauvernay, Christopher, Spencer et Claire Mc Andrew, Allison Michel, Radu Mihaileanu, Jean-Louis Milesi, Claude Miller, Jean-Marc Modeste , Mario Monicelli, Jeanne Moreau, Christian Mvogo Mbarga, Juliette Nicolas-Donnard, Sandra Nicolier, Michel Ocelot, Eric Pape, Abner Pastoll, Alexander Payne, Richard Pena (Directeur Festival de NY) , Olivier Père, Suzana Peric, Jacques Perrin, Thomas Pibarot, Anne Pigeon Bormans, Michele Placido, Sabrina Poidevin, Agnès Catherine Poirier, Harry Prenger, Gilbert Primet, Philippe Radault, Tristan Rain, Jean-Paul Rappeneau, Raphael Rebibo, Jo Reymen, Laurence Reymond, Yasmina Reza, Christiane Rhein, Jacques Richard, Avital Ronell, Laurence Roulet, Marc Saffar, Gabriela Salazar Scherman, Walter Salles, Jean-Paul Salomé, Jean-Frédéric Samie, Marc Sandberg, Jerry Schatzberg, Julian Schnabel, Barbet Schroeder, Pierre Schumacher, Ettore Scola, Luis Gustavo Sconza Zaratin Soares, Martin Scorsese, Frank Segier, Guy Seligmann, Julien Seri, Pierre Silvant, Charlotte Silvera, Abderrahmane Sissako, Paolo Sorrentino, Roch Stephanik, Guillaume Stirn, Jean-Marc Surcin, Tilda Swinton, Jean-Charles Tacchella, Radovan Tadic, Danis Tanovic, Bertrand Tavernier, André Techiné, Cécile Telerman, Alain Terzian, Valentine Theret, Pascal Thomas, Giuseppe Tornatore, Serge Toubiana, Nadine Trintignant, Tom Tykwer, Alexandre Tylski, Jaques Vallotton, Betrand Van Effenterre, Jean-Pierre Vergne, Sarah Vermande, Gilles Walusinski, Wim Wenders, Anaïse Wittmann, Arnaud Xainte and Christian Zeender... not to mention Pathé, the Cannes Film Festival, and the Weinsteins... what do you say?

Can you answer these questions or are you simply too ignorant, arrogant and obnoxious to acquaint yourself with the few simple details of the case that should have made it impossible to lend your names to such a demand?

Go on! Speak up! The Preacher Man can’t hear you!

Still torn between the bifocals, metal frame or plastic thick-rimmed look? Fear not, Sky may have just the solution. With the announcement that BSkyB is to launch Europe's first 3D TV channel within the next year, there’s no doubt that the green and red specs will become the latest greatest eyewear.

Following the success of Sky’s most recent offering Sky+ HD, it seems audiences are more eager than ever to replicate the cinematic experience in their very own living room. Will it prove a Skyhigh success or yet another smell-o-vision type stinker?

If box-office sales of the first few 3D films to hit the big screen are anything to go by, Sky shouldn’t need to worry. Pixar has announced that from next year all its films will be produced in the 3D, placing huge confidence in the format, whilst Sky has reportedly spent months secretly filming sports events for 3D processing and has already produced a 3D version of the show Gladiators.

With the prospect of Usain Bolt speeding through your living room and the price of the 3D-box set to match that of HD, what’s stopping you? Don’t let the occasional headache, eyestrain, dizzy spell or epileptic fit put you off, it’ll be well worth it. Just think of the possibilities, Simon Cowell perched on your sofa, Jeremy Clarkson parking up in the kitchen…

If smell-o-vision makes its timely comeback, we could well see the day we get to sniff Come Dine With Me’s deliciousness. And who knows, maybe even 360º holographic type telly in time for Star Trek’s DVD release. Yes please.

Charlotte Balnave